Most jokes, riddles, and puns have been around for a long time; we usually do not discover new ones; we simply revive the old ones. But some people are better at reviving than others. One of the best is Alvin Schwartz, who wrote Tomfoolery. Here are some tomfooleries:

Take any number.
Add ten.
Subtract three.
Now close your eyes.
Dark, isn't it?
---
I knew a fellow who had snew in his blood.
What's snew?
Not much with me. What's new with you?
---
I bet I can jump across the street.
I bet you can't.
(Walk across the street and jump.)
---
Ask me if I'm a boat.
Are you a boat?
Yes. Now ask me if I'm an airplane.
Are you an airplane?
No, I just told you I'm a boat.

¶ 9:26 AM //

To cure British sailors of their silly, superstitious fead of Fridays, the British government laid the keel of a new ship on a Friday, launched her on a Friday, named her H.M.S. Friday, and sent her on her first voyage on a Friday. Neither the ship nor her crew was ever seen again.
The blood vessels in a blue whale are so large that a fully grown trout could swim comfortably through the major arteries and veins.
The common garden snail, whose Latin name is Helix aspersa, is both a male and a female.

¶ 10:23 AM //

The cat is the only domestic animal not mentioned in the Bible. Clearly, the cat never entered heaven. Indeed, tradition says only ten animals did. They are listed here:

Ten animals, and ten alone
Were raised to Paradise-
The Gate is closed to Cuttlefish,
The Gate is closed to Flies;

The Crabs and Worms must stay outside,
The Geese and Chimpanzees-
But Kratim's there (the Dog who speaks).
He prays along with these:

The Calf of Abraham; the Ant
Of Solomon, in prayer
With Sheba's Cuckoo; Moses' Ox;
Muhammad's milk-white Mare.

There Ram of Isaac, Jonah's Whale
And Saleh's Camel raise
Their voices to their risen Lord
With Balaam's Ass... who brays.
- W.R.E.

¶ 10:01 AM //

How evil are you?

¶ 1:49 PM //

For a lark,
For a prank,
Ezra Clark
Walked a plank.
These bubbles mark
                    o
                    o
                    o
                    o
                    o
Where Ezra sank.

¶ 9:39 AM //

I know you aren't superstitious. You don't stay in bed on Friday the Thirteenth. You walk under a ladder without thinking twice about it. (Perhaps you should think twice though; a bucket of paint may fall on your head.)

But not everybody else is as clever as you. Why, there may be children in your own class who believe superstitions like these:

That part of your soul is caught in a picture of you. Primitive people sometimes refuse to have their photograph taken, for fear that it can be used to bewitch them.

That a pinch of salt thrown over the left shoulder will protect you from bad luck. It is supposed to keep the devil at a distance. And if salt is spilled, there will be a quarrel.

That bubbles in coffee mean money, while bubbles in a teacup mean visitors are coming. (A sudden itch, or silverware falling to the floor, also is a sign of visitors.)

That if your ears burn, someone is talking about you.

That if you step on a crack, you will fail at something you are trying to do.

That it is bad luck to break a mirror, postpone a wedding, or open an umbrella indoors. (Or for that matter, to turn back from a journey, stub a toe, wear clothes inside out, meet a funeral procession, sit on a table, or leave a house through a window.)

That it is good luck to possess a rabbit's foot or horseshoe, find a four-leaf clover, meet a black cat or pick up a pin.

That fairies, elves, and sprites help human beings, while gnomes and goblins are full of mischief, causing milk to sour and even stealing babies and leaving changelings in their place.

Of course, you don't believe such nonsense. Just to make sure that nothing bad happens, though, it might be a good idea to touch wood.

¶ 9:05 AM //

An epitaph is an inscription on a tombstone. Those below were carved many years ago. A tombstone seems an odd place for a joke.

ON ANN MAN
Here lies Ann Mann;
She lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.

ON OWEN MOORE
Owen Moore:
Gone away
Owin' More
Than he could pay.

ON MARY WEARY, HOUSEWIFE
Dere friends I am going
Where washing ain't done
Or cooking or sewing;
Don't mourn for me now
Or weep for me never:
For I go to do nothing
Forever and ever.

¶ 11:34 AM //

The first letter of the first line in the verse is A; the first letter of the second verse line is B; and so on through the alphabet. The verse names 104 animals, birds, fish, and insects.

Alligator, beetle, porcupine, whale,
Bobolink, panther, dragonfly, snail,
Crocodile, monkey, buffalo, hare,
Dromedary, leopard, mud turtle, bear,
Elephant, badger, pelican, ox,
Flying fish, reindeer, anaconda, fox,
Guinea pig, dolphin, antelope, goose,
Hummingbird, weasel, pickerel, moose,
Ibex, rhinoceros, owl, kangaroo,
Jackal, opossum, toad, cockatoo,
Kingfisher, peacock, anteater, bat,
Lizard, ichneumon, honeybee, rat,
Mockingbird, camel, grasshopper, mouse,
Nightingale, spider, cuttlefish, grouse,
Ocelot, pheasant, wolverine, auk,
Periwinkle, ermine, katydid, hawk,
Quail, hippopotamus, armadillo, moth,
Rattlesnake, lion, woodpecker, sloth,
Salamander, goldfinch, angleworm, dog,
Tiger, flamingo, scorpion, frog,
Unicorn, ostrich, nautilus, mole,
Viper, gorilla, basilisk, sole,
Whippoorwill, beaver, centipede, fawn,
Xema, canary, tadpole, swan
Yellowhammer, eagle, hyena, lark,
Zebra, chameleon, butterfly, shark.

¶ 9:43 AM //

You are 53% Gemini

¶ 9:46 AM //

In magic tricks, the magician makes you think he is doing one thing, say stuffing a handkerchief into his thumb, when he is really doing something else. Riddles are a kind of word magic: The question is put so as to fool you, instead of helping you get the answer. The first three questions below are old-fashioned riddles, but the last two are different. After all, how can you know how many bones you have in your body unless someone tells you?

1. A farmer in Kent has a beautiful plum tree. The main trunk has 24 branches, each branch has 12 boughs, each bough has 6 twigs and each twig bears 1 fruit. How many apples are on the tree?

2. How do you pronounce VOLIX?

3. A rope ladder 12 feet long is hanging over the side of a ship. The rungs of the ladder are one foot apart, and the lowest rung is resting on the top of the ocean. The tide rises six inches an hour. How long will it take for the first four rungs of the ladder to be underwater?

4. A very fat woman and two very thin women have to cross a stream in a boat that can carry only 90 kilos. The fat woman weighs 90 kilos and the two very thin women weigh 45 kilos each. How can they cross?

5. When Alexander says to Elliot, "I'll break every bone in your body," how many bones is he talking about? 100? 200? 500? 1,000?

To know the answers, click here

¶ 9:39 AM //

After car accidents, the drivers are supposed to write out everything that happened so that their insurance companies can tell who was to blame. Sometimes the drivers are still in shock, and their reports don't make much sense. Those that follow are cross-my-heart-and-hope-to-die true; they were copied from insurance forms by an honest man:

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The man was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the street when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I attempted to swerve out of the way, when it struck the front of my car.

¶ 9:14 AM //

¶ 9:40 AM //

January is the first month of the year in the Gregorian Calendar, and has 31 days. It is named for Janus, the Roman god of doors and gateways.

The original Roman calendar consisted of 10 months (304 days). The Romans originally considered winter a monthless period. Circa 700 BCE Romulus' successor, King Numa Pompilius, added the months of January and February allowing the calendar to equal a standard lunar year (354 days). A Roman superstition against even numbers resulted in the addition of one day thus equalling 355 days. Although March was originally the first month, January usurped that position because that was when consuls were usually chosen.

The first day of the month is known as New Year's Day.

Historical names for January include its original Roman designation, Januarius, the Saxon term Wulf-monath (meaning wolf month) and Charlemagne's designation Wintarmanoth (winter / cold month).

¶ 11:35 AM //